Why am I crying?

I forgot that I started writing
wow, that's a surprise some who know me well
may say....
I have been sick this ps week
all the kids have been sick at various stages
and HH is out of town for a few weeks
oh...and ofcourse the dishwasher breaks down
and a few fuses blew

I haven't fixed either yet
again..big surprise

but surprisingly I have only cried once
that was 2 days ago
I think it was because a few of the kids are really
working on some new skills

which is-
driving eachother totally insane
there has been a lot of tears
soap in the mouth, tobasco in the mouth

and being confined to the smallest possible space
with the enemy to work it out

sometimes that is just what I have to do
they know what is expected of them
they know the words they have to say
to apologise

pride is the biggest factor ...like always
as to why they can't seem to get apologies out

but a good 15 minutes in a closet or bathroom
with their rival
gives them a lovely chance to work it out themselves
and feel good about their problem solving skills

and I usually am snickering off in a corner
being so thankful that I am not refereeing another match

think about 5 other brains in the house (kids brains that is)
all trying to be more self-centred than the other?

I say.....enjoy eachothers misery!


and back to the crying..........

(this is when I wish was descriptive writer, able to paint a picture of
what I experienced next because my explanation
will not adequately represent my thoughts and feelings)

it was like flood gates had burst open
with overwhelming light rushing and swirling
all around me
I was being swept up into truth
and love and light and healing

I am covered with goosebumps, soaking my cheeks
with tears,
tears of joy and happiness,
trembling like a leaf
but one that is being moved by gentle, loving breezes

I was awestruck and dumbfounded

what is all this? what on earth does it mean?

at the time, in that moment I didn't know
what it all meant

but in that moment I knew one thing
what my friend was sharing
about God about Jesus

was truth

I knew this was the answer to my life
and I didn't even I needed an answer to my life!

his words spoke in to the depths of my soul
like nothing else ever had
and my heart was made complete

in the quiet darkness of my childhood bedroom
lost in a life that left me searching for more
craving more
hoping for more

and here was the answer

Jesus

in that instant my heart changed
my mind changed
my life changed
and I was new

to quote John Newton's song

"Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see."
..............................................................................................

I was lost (though I am not sure I thought that)
until I was found

I was blind because after that moment
I saw the world with new eyes
eyes that were seeing life
the beauty
the purpose in it all
the love that surrounds

I am seeing through the eyes
of Jesus

I am sure that just sounds crazy

but in that moment
when the Holy Spirit spoke through my friend
I was awakened

my spirit was awakened with the truth of
the Gospel (meaning good news)
and who Jesus is

I had a choice.....
like we all do

to believe it or not
to walk with this truth in Christ
or not
and to turn away

we always have a choice
that is why God gave us free will

a will that can choose

like a father who so desperately loves his child
he does not want to force his child to love him in return
what kind of love is that anyway?
(probably not love)
he desires for his child to love him because his child chooses to
because he wants to

and that is like God the father

who gives us, his children
the choice to love him
desire to be with him because
we want to
we need to

it completes our soul


the yearnings to be fully completed
in knowing the all powerfull
unchanging
never failing
always and forever love of Jesus
just the way I am
just where I am at

in that moment
my heart is healed